Moving Series
Many of our site visitors have been requesting that excerpts from I’m Moving Two and I’m Moving On…Are U ? be placed for reading. Both books can be obtained via www.amazon.com, www.xlibris.com or www.bn.com . You can also order copies through your local Bookstore. The first book “I’m Moving Two ” is a bestseller within the Independent Book Publishing scene for 2006-7 !
I’m Moving Two ( 2000 ) 197 pages
I’m Moving On…Are U ? ( 2002 ) 263 pages
Order Your Copies Today !
Excerpts :
Something’s wrong with my neck. I’m the only one who knows. No one else knows. There’s a pulling sensation. A drifting to the left. I wonder what I did ? Constant stiffness. Maybe it’s all the wine that I carried back from Europe ? I really should stop carrying heavy suitcases. But I never seem to learn.
I’m in a bad mood today. I don’t want to be nice to anyone. Not to my patients. Not to my colleagues. Not to the new in-coming residents who desperately need guidance. As they enter critical care medicine. My neck is sizzling. Things hurt. I want to scream. But no one hears me. No one cares ?
I can’t ride my bicycle anymore. Shucks. I can’t maintain my balance. What’s happening to me ? Is there any relief from dystonia ? You wake up with it. You fall asleep with it. It nver leaves. A constant companion.
Why do I have dystonia ? Why is not getting better. I can’t look into a mirror anymore. Why isn’t the Toxin working ? I’m afraid.
Dystonic. Disease labeling. I’m not a dystonic. I’m not a label. I’m a person. An individual. Labels dictate how one acts, feels and lives. To live by a label allows one to only live by a set of symptoms. Unwanted ones.
Floodgates of distress. Unbelief. Impatience.Disturbance. Irritation. Faithlessness. Fear. Is anyone hearing me ? Does anyone want to ? There should be someone out there. To Simply listen.
~ ~ ~ ~
Healing power. Something we all crave for. A cure. On a daily basis. Alice craves for peace at the age of 90. I check on her all night. Sometimes to simply caress her hair. As the dying process continues at its’ own pace. A pace not defined by us . But by God.
I try a new drug. Used for spasticity. I find myself falling asleep at work. Mummified. I dose off in the yellow NYC cabbie. I can’t live like this ? Being sedated and in a brain fog most of the time.
Tomorrow holds out its’ hands to you. By Mellencamp. The Perfect Storm. It truly does. People never tell you how they really feel. Look, listen and feel. My heart is breaking. As is dystonia.
The heat is getting to me. My neck seems to be sizzling. I look in the mirror and see muscles simply bulging. I dont like mirrors anymore. I hate what I see there. No sparkling green eyes anymore. All I see is Pain, and more pain. When is it going to stop ?
Another neurology appointment. They all are turning Routine. Like buying gasoline. Routine. Today I get shot up with MyoBloc- Toxin B. My magic potion. It helps with the sizzling, grinding pain in about an hour. No real side-effects. Works like magic. Relief. Phew….
~ ~ ~ ~
Ok, is selective denervation coming next for me ? Am I a candidate ? I call my mother to see if we can go up to Canada, Montreal and see the famous Bouvier. The flight is long and somewhat cramped. Agony for me as spasms pull me in multiple directions. My mother rubs my back the entire time to soothe me….
The windows in Montreal are dim as is the atmosphere. The Ward down the hallway is a Psychiatric one. I hear people screaming. Nurses adorn white caps. Nervousness prevails as we sit and wait. I pace and pace in the dark room listening to patient screams. I want to get out of here. My entire body is sizzling. Help….
~ ~ ~ ~
My neck has been killing me the past two days. I’ve been sleeping on ice packs hoping that would just numb the back of my head. What did I ever do to get this ? I want to cry, cry and cry. Until there are no more tears.
Where is this Research and Development ? Where is this Cure ? It was said that there would be a cure by 2003. Years have gone by. So, what is this focus on the Torsion A protein ? Are we , really, distributing money to the right research projects considering there are more than 20 forms of dystonia ?
What about new meds ? I’ve become a Klonopin lover. What about quality of life ? Sharing ? Care ? Awareness ? Collaboration ? Education ? New Toxins ? New injection techniques ? A Life in Motion. That’s me.
I leave the Tina Turner concert. Crushed by people, noise, stimuli, cannabis, and other paraphenelia. I don’t see anyone else with permanent bodily twisting. What’s Love got to do with this ? The words keep repeating themselves in my overloaded mind. People trample one another as they leave Madison Square Gardens. I decide to wait it out leaning against a post until stillness arrives in the hallways. I need it.
Great Concert. The Rolling Stones should be even better !
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I’ve fallen into a deep depression, a deep black dark pit that I’m having trouble crawling out of. Any suggestions. Meditation ? A black mood. No energy or appetite. I have to do something about this. Get up and Go. Are U Ready ? I don’t want work. Don’t want to play either. Sigh….
Howard and I talk. Neither of us know how to get patients’ more involved. What do patients want ? A Cure ? Well, realistically , we are quite a ways off from a cure. I want a cure. Howard wants a cure. But , if there’s little money in the dystonia scene or all of it goes to examining the DYT1 gene or worms, it’s going to take a long time for us to reach a cure.
If the groups can’t or won’t even collaborate or share information, how can we even think of a cure ? I just want to make it thru today. It’s been a tough few weeks. Too tough.
The weather has turned icy cold. My body especially my neck always feels it first days ahead of any weather change. I have my own weather radar system. Defined by a body part. How strange is that ? Living in sweats and extra shirts. New Yorkers are beginning to use heaters. Some have no heat at all. As the bells jingle along 5th Avenue.
I should not feel sorry for myself. Dystonia is what it is. That’s just the way it is. Self-pity is destructive as is self-blame. Useless emotions.
Which leads me to question why all these docs look upon us as “units , doses, prescriptions, voltages, parameters ” ? Aren’t we people FIRST ?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Review by Dr. Mehmet Oz, MD : ” Beka , You write your Story very well. The style is simplistic, yet invigorating. A great Read for anyone. “
Review by Dr. Michael Kaplitt, MD, PhD : ” I learned more about the emotions associated with dystonia as a movement disorder than I ever did in actual clinical medicine. Eye-Opening. Both books should be on the reading lists for anyone thinking about medical school “.
Review by Jimmy Breslin, Pulitzer Prize-winning Author : ” The trials and tribulations of chronic illnesses is not to be dismissed. My daughter simply loved both books and kept them by her bedside each day. A definite writer in the works here.”
Read a book review By Sharon Stone of the Parkinsons’ Disease Foundation at www.pdf.org/Publications/newsletters/fall02/readallfall.cfm
Copyright. c4d. 2007-8.